I love my life, but...

Everything's not okay...but it will be. Maybe not everything is so bad. There is still a lot of good going on in my life, but I'm definitely going through the hardest time I've ever been through in my entire life. That probably sounds dramatic, but I'm a nineteen-year-old girl. I haven't lived long enough to experience the truly awful.

I'm about to start my second year of university, which will be my first year of my new major (electrical engineering!). I'm SUPER excited, but also a little scared. These past two semesters were pretty rough.

I did some good things and some bad things.
I felt my happiest and my saddest.
But most importantly, I learned a whole lot. Not just about multivariable calculus and organic chemistry and all of those lovely things, but about the world and myself, too.

I think maturity is finding out that the world isn't as nice as you'd like it to be and that your mother isn't always right. And that sometimes you need to feel like your world is falling apart just so that you can find out later that everything will be okay.

My experiences don't define me. Neither do my choices. Nonetheless, I choose to identify as a sexual assault survivor and a person in recovery.

It's so easy to become cynical and I actually think that's the first response to have. I was so full of angst and self-pity for a while (and even thought about changing the name of my Tumblr to "Nineteen and Jaded"! Glad I didn't...). But throughout this entire part of my life, I've decided that in order to take care of myself, I need to look at these past events as a positive experience and, even though it's extremely difficult sometimes, to stay optimistic.

I stopped posting, creating and basically being myself for these past months. But the last time I was in a bad place, these were the things that helped me heal. And I'm extremely excited to be back! (Hopefully for realsies this time!)

I love my life, but even though it's been rough, I wouldn't change a single thing.

Wish I Wore: First Day of Spring

Hiiiiiii! I kind of disappeared for a while, doing college-y things and knitting, mostly. But I'm baaaack! And hopefully for good this time!

1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7

Even though it's still pretty chilly out in my neck of the woods, I like to pretend that it actually feels like spring so that I can wear dresses without tights and only need a cardigan at most to keep me warm :-) But I'm so in love with every. Single. Item. The oxfords, especially. And the bag. Actually, still just everything.

Adventures in Baking: Blueberry & Peach Streusel Muffins

One of my favorite parts of summer is picking blueberries.

Picture by my lovely friend, @the_ash_factor

...and after eating them to the point of self-loathing, turning them into something else delicious:

Like muffins! These were actually extremely delicious and tasted like bakery muffins, if I do say so myself ;-)

Blueberry & Peach Streusel Muffins w/ Cream Cheese Glaze

(muffin recipe adapted from here, glaze recipe from here.)

Makes 16 muffins

Ingredients:

For the streusel topping:

• 1/4 c. all-purpose flour
• 1/4 tsp. ground cinnamon
• 1 tbsp. white sugar
• 2 tbsp. brown sugar, packed
• 1/8 tsp. salt
• 2 tbsp. butter, melted

For the muffins:

• 1-3/4 c. all-purpose flour
• 2 tsp. baking powder
• 1/2 c. unsalted butter
• 1-1/4 c. white sugar
• 1/2 tsp. salt
• 1 tsp. vanilla
• 2 eggs
• 1/2 c. buttermilk (or 1/2 tbsp. white vinegar + enough milk to make the volume 1/2 c., left sitting for a few minutes)
• 1 heaping c. blueberries, fresh or frozen
• 1/4 c. all-purpose flour
• 1 heaping c. diced, canned peaches

For the glaze:

• 4 oz. cream cheese, softened
• 1/4 c. unsalted butter, softened
• 1 c. powdered sugar
• 1/2 tsp. vanilla extract

Method:

Make the streusel topping:

1. In a small bowl, combine the flour, cinnamon, sugars and salt.
2. Add in the butter and mix completely. Set aside.

Make the muffins:

1. Preheat oven to 375° F and line 16 muffin-holes with liners.
2. In a medium bowl, mix together the flour and baking powder.
3. In a large bowl, beat the butter, sugar, salt and vanilla with a mixer until smooth.
4. Beat one egg into batter and mix completely; add second.
5. Alternately mix in flour mixture with buttermilk until combined completely.
6. Toss the blueberries with the remaining 1/4 c. flour. Fold into the batter along with the peaches.
7. Scoop batter into muffin tins; sprinkle with streusel topping.
8. Bake until golden brown and tops spring back when touched, about 25 minutes.

Make the glaze:

1. In a medium bowl, beat cream cheese and butter until combined and fluffy.
2. Add in in powdered sugar; beat until combined.
3. Mix in vanilla completely.
4. Scrape glaze into piping bag and squeeze over tops of muffins.

Yummy!

Awesome!

Cool!

Adventures in Baking: The Best Brownie Recipe and a Stencil How-To!

I was never really a giant fan of baking brownies... To me, they were the lazy person's chocolate cake, since you just mix ingredients and pour them into a pan. And how could someone mess up chocolate and butter? But then one fateful day...

Out of all of the recipes I cut out from the backs of flour bags, extract boxes, etc., I decided to make this recipe and was completely amazed. I think the trick is to cook them for less time the original recipe calls for. This makes for a crunchy, yet gooey brownie that tastes like true love and happiness. And also, if you're thinking about omitting the chocolate chips...Don't do it. The chocolate chips make this recipe extra tasty.

These brownies were so good that I made them three times in one week. THREE TIMES.

Super Yummy Brownies

(recipe adapted from here.)

Ingredients:

• 3/4 c. cocoa powder
• 1/2 tsp. baking soda
• 2/3 c. butter, melted
• 1/2 c. boiling water
• 2 c. sugar
• 2 eggs
• 1-1/3 c. flour
• 1 tsp. vanilla
• 1/4 tsp. salt
• 1 c. semi-sweet chocolate chips

Method:

1. Preheat oven to 350°F and grease a 9 x 13" pan.
2. Stir together cocoa and baking soda in a large bowl.
3. Stir in half the butter.
4. Add boiling water and stir until thickened.
5. Stir in sugar, eggs and remaining butter, until completely combined and smooth.
6. Add flour, vanilla and salt; blend completely.
7. Fold in chocolate chips; pour batter into prepared pan.
8. Bake for 30-35 mins, or until brownies pull away from the sides of the pan.

Stencil How-To:

1. Trace the base of the pan onto parchment paper; cut out.
2. Trace shapes onto the paper (I used the two smaller heart Wilton fondant cutters)
3. Cut out with a (clean) craft knife.
4. Place over still-warm brownies and dust with powdered sugar.

Seriously, one of the easiest recipes to make. AND, it uses cocoa powder instead of melted chocolate, which is a plus for me since I go through 2 pounds of chocolate chips in like a week.

MAKE IT!

Pin-Spiration #2: Sugar Donut Muffins

Once upon a time, I needed something quick and tasty to bake because it was already past 11:00 pm and I needed to bring said "quick and tasty something" to church, bright and early in the morning.

And then I found this pin on Pinterest.

New favorite muffin recipe!

Sugar Donut Muffins

(recipe from here)

Ingredients:

• 3/4 c. sugar
• 1 large egg
• 1 1/2 c. all-purpose flour
• 2 tsp. baking powder
• 1/4 tsp. salt
• 1/4 tsp. ground nutmeg
• 1/4 c. veggie oil
• 3/4 c. milk
• 1 tsp, vanilla
• 2 tsbp. butter, melted
• extra sugar, for rolling

Method:

1. Preheat your oven to 350° F and spray 2-12 cavity mini muffin pans with cooking spray.
2. In a large bowl, beat the sugar and egg until pale in color.
3. In a small bowl, whisk together flour, baking powder, salt and nutmeg.
4. Pour flour mixture into egg mixture and stir to combine.
5. Pour in oil, milk and vanilla, and stir to combine completely.
6. Spoon the batter into the muffin tins (~2/3 full)
7. Bake for 10-12 minutes, or until a wooden tested inserted into the middle comes out clean.
8. Once the muffins are cool enough, remove from the muffin pans.
9. Brush the top of each with melted butter, and then roll into sugar.

I followed this recipe to a T and am so glad I did! I want to experiment with baking them in my Babycakes cake pop maker to make donut holes! Or maybe adjusting the recipe to use yeast to be like a raised donut! Baking is fun; I donut understand people who dislike it (it's okay, that pun wasn't funny in my head, either).

Adventures in Baking #9: Chocolate Chip Whoopie Pies w/ Chocolate Buttercream!

A while ago, I had to bake something to bring to a car wash to benefit my class...

...and then it rained, the car wash was canceled, and I was left with 40 whoopie pies.

Oh, well. At least they were tasty!

Chocolate Chip Whoopie Pies with Chocolate Buttercream

(cookie recipe adapted from here)

Cookie: 

Ingredients:

• 2 c. all-purpose flour
• 1 tsp. baking soda
• 1/2 tsp. salt
• 1/2 c. butter, softened
• 3/4 c. light brown sugar
• 1 large egg
• 1 tsp. vanilla extract
• 2 tsp. vinegar + enough milk to measure 2/3 c. (or 2/3 c. buttermilk)
• 85 g semisweet chocolate chips

Method:

1. In a medium bowl, sift together the flour, baking soda and salt.
2. In a large bowl, cream the butter and sugar until light and fluffy.
3. Beat in the egg and vanilla until combined.
4. Beat in half the flour mixture, followed by the milk. Add the second half of the flour mixture and beat until combined.
5. Fold in the chocolate chips.
6. Preheat an oven to 350° F.
7. On baking sheets lined with parchment paper, pipe 1+1/2 inch circles.
8. Bake for 10 minutes, rotating the pans halfway through.
9. Let cool for 5 minutes, and then place onto a wire rack to cool completely.
10. Fill with:

Chocolate Buttercream:

Ingredients:

• 1 1/2 c. (180 g) powdered sugar
• 5 1/2 tbsp. unsalted butter, softened
• 1/8 tsp. salt
• 4 1/2 tbsp. unsweetened cocoa powder
• 1 tsp. vanilla extract
• 1-2 tbsp. milk, as needed

Method:

1. Beat the sugar, butter, salt and cocoa powder until combined.
2. Add the vanilla extract and beat together.
3. Add milk until the right consistency is reached.

Mmmmmm! SO good. Even non-whoopie pie eaters liked them because of the buttercream instead  of the usual marshmallow fluff-based filling.

Happy July!

June Wishlist

School is finally over for me and now I have time to shop online all the time! Yaaaaaay!

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Even though I have pretty much no money at the moment, I'm loving all of this newly found free time to torture myself with a bunch of pretty things I can't afford. If only I could make money off of sleeping... ;-)